The Orange Fraud Felon Assaulting Liar commuted 240 sentences in his time in the OFFAL office. Twenty-five were vetted through the Office of the Pardon Attorney in the normal fashion. You just had to know His Fraudulence or someone close enough to him to get your release. Or just put greenbacks in his pocket.
In the fetid backstreets of the corrupt body politic, in what looks like the back door of the White House, he hung his shingle out and raked the lucre in. Now it hangs askew over the back door of his shadow pardon whorehouse in Mar-a-Lago: Sweet Young Pardons for Sale.
Not content to just be the madam, he likes to get personally involved. Standing at the gutter, he’s sticking his own pale bare leg out and promising to build a new wing in the WhitePardonHouse with the proceeds. That wing will have to be substantial, because he plans to pardon the hundreds of insurrectionists who’ve pleaded guilty or been convicted of launching his failed coup.
Meanwhile, people he’s already commuted took the dollar train through the revolving door, did a one-eighty, and hit the streets again with their criminality.
Most prominent is his advisor Steve Bannon, whom the Felonious Junk pardoned for a fund-raising fraud conviction, only to be indicted again for new fraud charges.
On his last day in office, the would-be tyrant commuted the life sentence of a man named Jaime Davidson, who had been convicted of killing a police officer. In 2023, Davidson was subsequently charged with beating and strangling his wife of five months. He was convicted of the domestic battery, got off on the strangling.
And how did this happen? Davidson’s lawyer once represented Donald Trump, Jr. Ivanka and Jared helped out Davidson’s case, too, apparently. The Justice Perverter in Chief completely bypassed the settled system for presidential pardons on behalf of friends of the family.
And Davidson’s wife is not the only person to pay for Trump selling his pardons.
The Predator Pardoner in Chief sprang Jonathan Braun from federal prison, even though he had a known history of violence that would have nixed his chances in a normal administration’s pardon protocols. Then that convicted drug dealer and predatory lender punched his father-in-law in the face because he was trying to protect his daughter from Braun, who was trying to assault her for the third time.
Trump himself prefers sexually assaulting women to physically assaulting them. He owes his one legally confirmed sexual assault victim tens of millions of dollars. The other seventeen women who have credibly accused him of sexual assault just have their word against his lily orange reputation. Would his spray tan clash with the jumpsuit he should be wearing?
And there’s a fourth recidivist recipient of the OFFAL’s corrupt pardons. Ponzi scheme fraudster Eliyahu Weinstein went back to ripping people off with new Ponzi schemes not long after Trump commuted his sentence for fraud. What were Weinstein’s connections? Maybe the Orange Fraudster just admired his methods and wished he’d been a contestant on The Apprentice.
Because the Fraudster in Chief is himself a Ponzi scheme on two legs. For years he’s been ripping off his followers for tens of millions of dollars, saying the money will go to his inauguration festivities, or to his campaign, when in fact, it goes into his pocket or, lately, into his lawyers’ pockets.
Number five: Adriana Camberos, energy drink counterfeiter serving 26 months in federal prison. Marjorie Tailors Her Greenbacks contacted a former deputy White House counsel she knew, then Camberos’s brother wrote the would-be tyrant’s campaign a check for $50,000. With no recommendation from the Office of the Pardon Attorney, he then got her out of jail. Wasn’t free, though.
Now we know the going rate: $50k per year commuted. Then Camberos and her brother got indicted for another fraud scheme.
Number six: Kodak Black, a rapper sent up for gun charges, now faces drug charges.
More people have been investigated, but not charged. Three have been convicted of crimes they committed before their sentences for other crimes were commuted and are going back to jail.
That sign on the basement door of the future WhitePardonHouse, that His Dis-Grace’s gorgeous bare leg, even the sizable price tag, all look sweet to the criminals who thank their lucky connections to the don, and they would be grateful for the cover the Constitution gives the president, if they’re capable of gratitude. And the Supreme MAGACourt has the Fraudster in Chief’s back in case things get even uglier than they did the last time.